FAQ

Just as it is important to attend to your adoptive child’s emotional well-being it is also important that you attend to your own. Often an adoptee’s behavior is a way of communicating to the adoptive parent that they are hurting and don’t have the language to articulate their complicated emotions in any other way. Trauma experts teach parents to see the need behind the behaviors and to address that need. You may not have caused the trauma you are now trying to parent, but if you are struggling to meet these needs make sure to seek help for yourself so that you can best meet the needs of your adopted child.

It is also important to remember that adopted children have suffered a loss most of us cannot fathom; they deserve and need to know their roots and as adoptive parents we shouldn’t take this desire for full transparency personally.

One critical piece we have learned from listening to adult adoptees is that they often don’t come to understand the importance of knowing their history and extended family until they are much older. The longer one waits to search the harder it can be to find leads. It would be devastating to recognize the importance of this information after too many years have passed and the information within the adoption paperwork is no longer useful. At the same time it’s important to make sure that the adoptee’s voice is heard and if they are adamantly against it it may be better to wait until they are ready. So many aspects of adoption are beyond the adoptive child’s control, so letting them lead the way regarding the discovery of their own history and extended family members assures them that you value them and their voice.

Many adoptee’s ask to return to their countries of origin. Recognizing their desire to be in their homeland will help them feel heard and understood. At the same time, the adoptive parents must be honest with them about the realities of that happening. As an adoptive parent planning a family trip to their homeland is a great way to attend to these feelings of loss. 

It’s human nature to be fearful of a circumstance such as this. Understanding the complex emotions involved with adoption on behalf of your adopted child is vital. As parents we have to set aside our own insecurities and hurt in order to be the best advocate for our child. The adoptee seeing their adoptive parent as someone they can be completely open and honest with is more important than how the things they may share with us make us feel. Adoptive parents must recognize their adoptive child’s lives are rooted in the loss of their original family and work to facilitate ways that help them best navigate those complexities.

This is a complicated question and understanding the Ugandan culture in relation to this question is important. Most Ugandan people have been led to believe that a white person has access to more money than they do. Also, if you are caring for their child they might see you as an extension of their family. In Ugandan families whomever is experiencing success usually shares it with the rest of the family. So it would not be a far reach to think the adoptive family would want to do the same. Kugatta can be very helpful in this type of situation. We do not recommend giving money to extended family as that can influence the dynamic of the relationship between the two families. We do not want that dynamic to be one of dependency, but more so an extension of family. At the same time, it can be difficult for adoptive families to see the circumstances their adopted child’s family are living in. In those cases Kugatta recommends helping anonymously through local NGOs that are working on the ground.

Ugandan culture is very different from American culture in this regard. In America we smile frequently to convey everything is ok and good. In Ugandan culture conveying emotion is less common. There is nothing wrong with this dynamic but it can be confusing. Knowing this cultural difference is important so we don’t misinterpret a lack of emotion for a lack of love or support. 

This is a fear that many adoptive parents have and often the primary reason they choose not to do a search at all. We would advise you to never allow fear to prevent an you from finding answers for your adopted child as early as possible. Either your adopted child will find that out now, with their adoptive parent’s support and guidance through such a complex situation or they will find it out as an adult and be left with the internal battle as to why their adoptive parents didn’t put their best interests first when they were younger. Secondly, a reunification is not always in the best interest of the child. There are many things that must be taken into account to determine if this would be a possibility and in the end that decision would rest in the hands of the adoptive parent, as it is the adoptive parent’s right and responsibly to protect the child.

It’s understandable that statements like this hurt, but all children, adopted or not often say hurtful things because they themselves are hurting. When an adopted child says statements like this it is probably because this is very real layer to the complexities involved with being adopted. Instead of reacting to the insensitive nature of their words it would be more beneficial to the relationship to convey that you understand why they feel that way and that you are sorry adoption sometimes feels like this. Helping your adopted child feel comfortable sharing everything, even when it might hurt your feelings is vital to a stronger, healthier and more transparent relationship.